Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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