a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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