You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
