If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
