Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
