Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
