just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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