You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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