Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
third nipple confirmed
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
