I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
