i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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