I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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