So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
