ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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