I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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