dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
