wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
