I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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