I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
