I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
