sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
