Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
