I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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