at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Randomize
