He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
