dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
