I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
