Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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