girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
