Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
