My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it glows. i had to have it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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