I heard we made out
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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