It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
