just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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