At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
