It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
