I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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