i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
