I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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