genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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