Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
