If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize