Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize