I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
