So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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