On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
