I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
