I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Farmville is her only friend.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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