the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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