Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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