How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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