I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
