Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
