Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
