i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
