Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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