His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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