i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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